Sunday, June 19, 2011

Bad Eggs

Season #2, Episode #12: Bad Eggs

"I see your GYEARAARH and raise you a NYUURGH!"


Bad Eggs is goofy. I enjoy it, and I wouldn't call it throwaway, but Season 2 as I know it has not even begun and we're already twelve episodes in! The next episode begins what I think is the best invention of the Buffy franchise, and I am just getting SO IRRITABLE Y'ALL. So let's get this over with.

The kids at Sunnydale High are learning about sex--namely, as Cordelia says, that sex in the car can be disastrous, and as Xander points out, halitosis is a major turn-off. The unresolved sexual tension, brimming underneath the surface, causes the two to make out only in the privacy of janitor's closets. And then take long, long showers to wash off the filth. Shockingly, the whole Xander-Cordelia thing doesn't make me want to vomit.

As part of their sex education, everyone has to couple up and raise a baby egg. Basically this entails not breaking the egg. Easy enough, right?


But Buffy has other things on her mind, as some cowboy vampires (the Gorch brothers) are in town, and they're strong. They watch Buffy and Angel getting hot and heavy in the graveyard rather than slaying. We're meant to understand that Buffy really is concerned about these vamps, but she and Angel just can't help but succumb to their animalistic passion. So hot or whatever.


In the middle of the night--at 2:03am exactly--Buffy's egg, Eggbert, hatches. And it's not a little baby chick, but a long spindly tentacle that creeps up and wraps around her face. I don't know about you, but when floppy alien fingers probe my eyeballs in my sleep, I tend to wake up.


But not Buffy. She wakes up the next morning, feeling a little iffy, but none worse for the wear. And, even stranger, Eggbert is still intact! Back at the library, she and Willow collapse on the stairs, clutching their baby eggs, meant to be like young mothers exhausted from screaming babies. Or, you know, alien eggs. Xander doesn't have this problem, as he hard-boiled his egg.

Angel and Buffy make out in the graveyard again. Kids these days! Eggbert gets them on the topic of parenthood, and Angel reveals that he can't have kids. Because he's impotent? No, because he's a vampire--although the show doesn't really specify. But Buffy doesn't care and says, "When I look into the future, all I see is you! All I want is you!" Rote as this romance plot is, it works in context. They would have attractive babies if Angel weren't impotent or whatever.


Buffy's late night make-out session brings her back to her room just in time see little Eggbert hatch. He's a gross spidery crustacean type alien that, after a long creepy sequence, Buffy stabs to death with some scissors.


She calls Willow to warn her, but all is well at the Rosenbergs.
Or so it seems! Pan out, and we see that Willow's egg has already hatched! It turns out the alien crustaceans have latched onto their mommies and taken over their brain activity.


[No, that's not a tramp stamp.]


Right when Xander and Buffy are about to dissect Eggbert, they get whacked unconscious by Willow and Cordelia. The possessed of Sunnydale High march into the basement carrying eggs to or from a gigantic vagina dentata? I stopped paying attention because eww.

A while back, Joyce caught Buffy sneaking back into her room late at night. For those of you keeping score, Joyce still doesn't know about Angel, let alone the fact that Buffy is the Slayer. She grounds Buffy for forever, and comes to Sunnydale High when Buffy doesn't come home from school. Giles gets her possessed by Eggbert's sister.

Xander and Buffy come to, and it's cute how lost they are without Giles' and Willow's book smarts. Things get a bit awkward when possessed Joyce keeps trying to bash Buffy's brain in, and the Gorch brothers turn up only to have one of them get eaten by the big vagina in the basement. Buffy jumps inside to kill it, and comes out looking all oily and not-to-be-messed with. The remaining Gorch runs away in fear. God, I've missed this Buffy.


Favorite moment: The very end--it's cute. All those possessed at Sunnydale High leave under the impression that there was some kind of gas leak that made them pass out. Remembering nothing, Joyce tells Buffy that she's now grounded for even longer than forever. But no matter! Buffy and Angel can still make out--through her bedroom window.

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